1) Is there a longer view story-board? even with less detail? I see detail in here but can't comment too much without knowing where the story is heading
2) Phone ringing - wouldn't actually be a phone would it?
3) "Looking at a picture" - do you mean photo or picture? makes a difference as to how it gets put back into the bag
4) Why is someone who is doing avatar-modding also interested in user numbers? It doesn't seem to be a small company so the roles would be relatively specialised.
5) Where's the flight to hong kong come into this? What use would there have been in Martin going? He sound more like a developer so why would someone have been thinking of sending him to hong kong?
6)So Martin has one child already (Hannah) and is expecting another within a week or so? If not, they've already decided on a name then and the characters have to fit with those that would want to know the sex of their to-be-child. If not, then Hannah potentially has a sibling and Rob's statement about Marting about to become a father is a bit odd since he already would be a father
7) speaking of which, the speech seems a bit stilted. Have you tried having two people play through these parts? Perhaps get some guide as to what emotions should be displayed at each point.
8) If hannah's mother is sarah, then perhaps use that name in the picture unless there's some intrigue here?
9) Have you ever watched women get glasses out of their handbag? (I've assumed bag=handbag but am aware it may not be). It can take some time. It takes time to put a picture away, find glasses in a bag, open the glasses case, put glasses on. I'd have hung up :-) Or aren't the glasses in cases?
10) Just to confirm: Rob = Mr Neary?
11) Why would Rob choose Hannah to monitor him? Surely he knows other people better, especially as he hasn't seen her for at least 3 years (time between grad and post) and hadn't seen her before that for about 9 years (age 12 to graduation).
12) Sounds like you need to decide how the memory loss affects Rob. How can he know he saw her at graduation but can't remember it? And that means he'd know saying "you've grown" would be wrong since he'd have seen her in her early twenties at least. If he can't remember it, then he can't remember so the statement about haven't grown makes sense but the .
13) Why's she call him uncle Rob if they haven't seen each other that often? e.g. twice in the last 12 years.
1. There is anow a first draft for the complete story in five parts. It's brought up some points to be finessed.
2. Wouldn't be a phone, no. I've been referring to it as her glasses in later episodes. It should sound like a phone, for the effect when she puts the glasses on the first time and starts talking.
3. May take this out completely, I don't know. For emotional effect it should probably be an actual printed picture.
4. It is a small company. I know with Web 2.0 the garage start up isn't as prevalent, but for the purposes of the story that's what I want to imply. Rob's the driving force, Martin the technical side, but their expertise overlaps a lot.
5. The flight to Hong Kong is a nod to Microserfs, one of my favourite books. In it a long coding session was described as a flight to wherever in the world depending upon how long it takes. I guess it should be made more obvious that it's a measure of time.
6. They already know the sex of the unborn child and have settled on a name, hence the reference to little Hannah.
7. Speech is a little stilted, but it is the first draft. I'm going to do some rewriting and then work with the actors to pick up the pacing. Actually hearing it spoken by two different people should help to differentiate the characters and bring it more to life.
8. Maybe. Again, something to be fiddled with in the second draft.
9. Good point. We can try several variations on the action with the actress and see which works best. But you're probably right that getting them out of a bag wouyld take too long.
10. Rob is Mr Neary. At some point I need to make it more obvious that he's monstrously rich now as well.
11. There is some explanation of this in part two and there are other reasons that become clearer near the end. He may not have seen her for a while but they have a relationship that is akin to family and he trusts her more than his own children to do this. (There are also legal issues tied to becoming an AI which mean he doesn't want a professional getting involved. Above and beyond his desire to not become a machine there is also a fear of having his human rights stripped and becoming something that is experimented on.)
12. The memory loss, and the treatment's other effects on Rob's character, are key points that get explored as the story progresses.
13. As mentioned above, there was a very close relationship between Rob, Hannah's mother and Hannah after Martin died. Close enough that she can't keep from thinking of him as "Uncle Rob" even now.
2 comments:
Several comments to make you think:
1) Is there a longer view story-board? even with less detail? I see detail in here but can't comment too much without knowing where the story is heading
2) Phone ringing - wouldn't actually be a phone would it?
3) "Looking at a picture" - do you mean photo or picture? makes a difference as to how it gets put back into the bag
4) Why is someone who is doing avatar-modding also interested in user numbers? It doesn't seem to be a small company so the roles would be relatively specialised.
5) Where's the flight to hong kong come into this? What use would there have been in Martin going? He sound more like a developer so why would someone have been thinking of sending him to hong kong?
6)So Martin has one child already (Hannah) and is expecting another within a week or so? If not, they've already decided on a name then
and the characters have to fit with those that would want to know the sex of their to-be-child. If not, then Hannah potentially has a sibling and Rob's statement about Marting about to become a father is a bit odd since he already would be a father
7) speaking of which, the speech seems a bit stilted. Have you tried having two people play through these parts? Perhaps get some guide as to what emotions should be displayed at each point.
8) If hannah's mother is sarah, then perhaps use that name in the picture unless there's some intrigue here?
9) Have you ever watched women get glasses out of their handbag? (I've assumed bag=handbag but am aware it may not be). It can take some time. It takes time to put a picture away, find glasses in a bag, open the glasses case, put glasses on. I'd have hung up :-) Or aren't the glasses in cases?
10) Just to confirm: Rob = Mr Neary?
11) Why would Rob choose Hannah to monitor him? Surely he knows other people better, especially as he hasn't seen her for at least 3 years (time between grad and post) and hadn't seen her before that for about 9 years (age 12 to graduation).
12) Sounds like you need to decide how the memory loss affects Rob. How can he know he saw her at graduation but can't remember it? And that means he'd know saying "you've grown" would be wrong since he'd have seen her in her early twenties at least. If he can't remember it, then he can't remember so the statement about haven't grown makes sense but the .
13) Why's she call him uncle Rob if they haven't seen each other that often? e.g. twice in the last 12 years.
All good points. the answers as best I can-
1. There is anow a first draft for the complete story in five parts. It's brought up some points to be finessed.
2. Wouldn't be a phone, no. I've been referring to it as her glasses in later episodes. It should sound like a phone, for the effect when she puts the glasses on the first time and starts talking.
3. May take this out completely, I don't know. For emotional effect it should probably be an actual printed picture.
4. It is a small company. I know with Web 2.0 the garage start up isn't as prevalent, but for the purposes of the story that's what I want to imply. Rob's the driving force, Martin the technical side, but their expertise overlaps a lot.
5. The flight to Hong Kong is a nod to Microserfs, one of my favourite books. In it a long coding session was described as a flight to wherever in the world depending upon how long it takes. I guess it should be made more obvious that it's a measure of time.
6. They already know the sex of the unborn child and have settled on a name, hence the reference to little Hannah.
7. Speech is a little stilted, but it is the first draft. I'm going to do some rewriting and then work with the actors to pick up the pacing. Actually hearing it spoken by two different people should help to differentiate the characters and bring it more to life.
8. Maybe. Again, something to be fiddled with in the second draft.
9. Good point. We can try several variations on the action with the actress and see which works best. But you're probably right that getting them out of a bag wouyld take too long.
10. Rob is Mr Neary. At some point I need to make it more obvious that he's monstrously rich now as well.
11. There is some explanation of this in part two and there are other reasons that become clearer near the end. He may not have seen her for a while but they have a relationship that is akin to family and he trusts her more than his own children to do this. (There are also legal issues tied to becoming an AI which mean he doesn't want a professional getting involved. Above and beyond his desire to not become a machine there is also a fear of having his human rights stripped and becoming something that is experimented on.)
12. The memory loss, and the treatment's other effects on Rob's character, are key points that get explored as the story progresses.
13. As mentioned above, there was a very close relationship between Rob, Hannah's mother and Hannah after Martin died. Close enough that she can't keep from thinking of him as "Uncle Rob" even now.
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